On love and emotional development

Last Sunday, Ven Dhammika made a very interesting comment. On the topic of relationships, he said that he found people who had been in a relationship and loved deeply are frequently able develop a deep sense of metta.

Recently, I had been on a related train of thoughts. Sometimes, I feel that I that I lack a certain level of maturity or "richness" in my emotional development -- something lacking in some aspects. I wondered if it was because I never really had a deep relationship before.

The lacking is not so much like the Christian concept that we are not complete as an individual person and that need another partner to become complete. Rather, I think it is a lack of that experience, which could be so helpful in emotional development and maturity.

Yet, I find the idea of getting into a relationship just so as to use the partner to help me learn and develop rather abhorent. If I would get into a relationship, it has to be because I really loved him. And in that true love, we would help each other grow, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

The True Artist

The True Artist by Norman Bethume

The true artist lets himself go. He is natural. He swims easily in the stream of his own temperament. He listens to himself. He respects himself.

He comes into the light of every-day like a great leviathan of the deep, breaking the smooth surface of accepted things, gay, serious, sportive. His appetite for life is enormous. He enters eagerly into the life of man, all men. He becomes all men in himself.

The function of the artist is to disturb. His duty is to arouse the sleepers, to shake the complacent pillars of the world. He reminds the world of its dark ancestry, shows the world its present, and points the way to its new birth. He is at once the product and preceptor of his time. After his passage, we are troubled and made unsure of our too-easily-accepted realities. He makes uneasy the static, the set and the still. In a world terrified of change, he preaches revolution -- the principle of life. He is an agitator, a disturber of the peace -- quick, impatient, positive, restless and disquieting. He is the creative spirit working in the soul of man.

I came across this a few days ago. Thought it's rather interesting and thought-provoking.

I thought the first paragraph is precisely about being authentic, something I wrote about yesterday.

At first look, it is an exaltation of the the artist. However, I think there is much here that we can inspire ourselves to strive for. Not so much as trying to be the true artist who changes the world, but rather, to arouse ourselves from our slumber and complacency -- instead of waiting for the passage of a true artist.

Being Authentic

A friend told me once,

You are more than what you appear to be. You have a lot of opinions, emotions and thoughts, but you do not show them. You have too much inhibitions and restraints. You can't let go of yourself and express who you really are.

In a manner that only validated his observations, I only smiled and said nothing, giving no indication of whether I agreed or not.

Sure, I keep quiet on a lot of stuff people say about me. However, in most cases, I felt misunderstood. But for this one, I knew he spoke true. This is perhaps one of the keenest observations I ever heard a friend made.

I do want to be more authentic. I think that means being a little more expressive, a little more frank, a little more spontaneous, a little more earnest and be willing to share a little more.

Sometimes, I think I hide too much, projecting only a nice, if somewhat artificial and superficial image.

But after all these while, it's not easy being authentic. It is not easy to overcome the fear of being easy to read and hence vulnerable. It is not easy to overcome the fear of being thought of as less when the weaknesses are revealed.

The week in passing

Angbao Inflation


Yesterday, there was a report on My Paper about "inflation" of wedding gift money.

It was reported that with prices going up, some wedding banquets costs as much as $1200 per table (of 10) at five star hotels. Hence the angbao inflation.

I find the logic some what convoluted. Since when are guests expected to pay for the newly weds lavishness?

Typically, guests would like to help the couple defray the costs by give a gift money that is about the per head price of the banquet. In old times, such gift moneys goes a long way towards helping the poor folks. Certainly in my parents time, it was so, for they were too poor to even pay for a few tables of feast at the neighbourhood restaurant for family and friends.

But what I find disturbing is for couples to have grand and lavish banquets AND expect the guests' angbaos to match it.

I say, if you want a lavish wedding you be prepared to pay for it. I am not going to pay for your extravagance. If you want five star and all, you make sure you can afford it. There are plenty of alternatives for those can't afford it.

It is not that I begrudge a gift -- for my close friends I still give angbaos that are "above market rate". And that's regardless of the venue and setting, even if it is just a simple buffet lunch after a solemnization at a temple or a church wedding.

I am just not willing to pay for others' extravagance.

Yes, I know prices are going up. All the more we should keep within our means.



It all about appearances

It was reported that the girl who sang at the Olympics Opening Ceremony who just lip-synching. The reason being that the real singer, 7 year old Yang Peiyi, "was not pretty enough to appear in front of a television audience of billions".

It's just another sign how much premium the society puts on physical appearances, and in this case, almost to the point of sacrificing integrity.


Right here waiting

OK. I confess. I am not immune to physical beauty.

Just early this week, I was snooping around and found the application call Zoosk on Facebook. It's something like a match-making application.

After adding it, I was browsing through the profiles. Given the minimal information available on the profiles (Zoosk does not link back to the Facebook profile), I'm afraid it's purely physical appearance that defines attractiveness.

So I send a few winks and flirts to a couple of guys whom I find attractive (sadly, based on nothing but a photo), though I skipped those that are too young (like 25 and below).

Now I'm waiting for a response....

Oh, it's been a few days. There has been no response. None at all.

I guess that's how things goes. You judge people by physical appearance. People also judge you by physical appearance.

The beautiful people gets all the attention. They need not settle for less. So the it's wishful thinking targeting those that are attractive in the first place.

OK, I guess that's enough of Zoosking around for now.


Gossip: Psst! Did you just break off with your boyfriend?

Over the past week, I saw on Facebook 3 friends who had their status change from being "In a relationship" to "Single".

That piqued my curiosity. But I am too polite to ask. I guess people who just broke off from a relationship are probably nursing a broken heart and do not like kaypohs poking their noses into it.

But it also showed how visible your romantic life can be to your Facebook friends.


Hungry Ghost month 1

I commented to a friend that there are plenty of headless people around in Trevvy and Fridae.

My friend commented, "Don't scare me! It's the Hungry Ghost month!"

Ha! They are scary indeed. I normally don't bother with headless people. I broke the rule once and had a blind date with someone whose profile picture did not had his head.

Bad experience. I won't break the rule again!

It's not that he's ugly or hideous. In fact, he was quite presentable.

It's just that those who are too scared to show his face for whatever reasons are just not my type.


Hungry Ghost month 2

Is the economy month really bad?

The Hungry Ghost month this year seems rather muted.

Typically this is the time when you see people making offerings everywhere and burnt paper offerings would be flying all over the place.

But it seems to me that there isn't that much of it this year.

Are people cutting back offerings because of bad economy? Or have that many people changed their religious beliefs?

Parades and Parades

It was the Olympics Opening ceremony last Friday night, and then the Singapore's National Day parade on Saturday night.

I caught bits and pieces of both with a yawn.

Such a waste of resources. So much pomp and grandeur and to what purpose?

I know China wants to showcase to the world and put up a grand show. But was it necessary to go to that extent?

As for the NDP, I guess it's a celebration. But I'm just a little jaded. Seriously does a grand NDP make people more patriotic? I think not.


Indignation

With the nation is celebration, it's also the time some gay people show their "indignation".

This year's program seems rather low key and muted compared to last year's. (Is it really the economy?)

But seriously, after so many years of being "indignant", perhaps it's time to drop that and move on to something else.

What's the point of being indignant if we gay people can't be proud of ourselves.

The eyes with which we choose to see

In today's My Paper, there was this article by Leow Ju-len titled "You're vain, self-absorbed and shallow".

There wasn't very much to the article, except for the following statement which caught my attention:

"What makes Singapore girls so hot and Singapore guys so not, then? Nothing more than the eyes with which we choose to see."

Isn't this something that's so true was some many aspect of our lives?

What makes a guy hot? His face? His muscular body? His charm? The big car he drives?

What makes a person successful? His career? His year income? His reputation? His inner well-being?

What makes beauty? What makes happiness?

Nothing more than the eyes with which we choose to see.